Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Statistics Don't Lie

Friends, I come to you today to warn you about a newly realized threat to public health and morality. I speak of a a danger that has been foisted upon everyone, young and old alike. I urge you to turn your backs on the nefarious and unhealthy product known as bread. Yes, bread. If you knew the consequences of this unclean product, you would be shocked:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

The only redeeming feature of this vile substance is, according to point 9, is that it can help purge the body of dreaded dihydrogen monoxide. Despite that nominally salubrious effect of bread, I urge you to cleanse your home of this dangerous substance.

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